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Spin me ’round again and rub my eyes, this can’t be happening

January 3, 2007

~Hide & Seek by Imogen Heap

I called back Peacock and she gave me the news. My friend and trainer Sandra lost her brother over New Year’s. P was sick about it. I was in shock. I called those I thought should know and then went about my night as planned, namely Hastings then food.

As I pulled out of Hastings, I headed North towards Burger King but at the last minute, I veered over to Sonic. Sonic just seemed right. There was no reason why, it just sounded more appealing in my head at the time.

I smiled as I handed the girl the money and told her to keep it. She smiled back and wished me a hearty “Happy New Year!” I drove back home and as I pulled in, a good song came on and I decided to sit a minute to listen and start in on my ched ‘r bites. Is there a more perfect food dipped in ranch?

As I bit into the first bite, I suddenly flashed onto the last time I was at Sonic. I was taken there after some, uh…bad news just over a year ago. The time before that was when I found out my mother’s cancer had spread. Before that, anytime I was sick, someone would bring me a lemonberry slush.

I took another bite and thought how delicious this was, but how Sandra would say I should balance it out by doing a hill walk tomorrow. The tears started welling up and my head was spinning, so I put my head on the cool steering wheel and cried.

I just kept thinking….not another one. I’m sad someone so young died, but my heart breaks for Sandra. Not another one. God, not another person in the club. The club of those who have lost too soon.

We all remember losing our innocence as a child, but then when we lose someone dear to us, we lose another kind of innocence. The kind where you feel like you can make plans. Like any little hardships is actually the universe testing you but you’ll make it through and be a great success. Afterwards you realize….there is no reason to anything. Things just happen.

Part of my heart died a long time ago. I feel phantom pains right there now that I see another one of my friends going through the same process. And there isn’t much anyone can do. I know the only thing that helped me was for people to lighten the load in terms of functioning, like making meals and doing my laundry.

I’ve decided on lasagna.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. January 4, 2007 5:52 am

    This is one of the most beautiful entries you’ve posted. Tears on this side would be a big understatement. Can I copy a link and/or this entry into my journal, so I can always reconnect it with the way I felt last night? [I’ll email you this too, for actually responding to :~)]

  2. January 4, 2007 6:28 am

    “We all remember losing our innocence as a child, but then when we lose someone dear to us, we lose another kind of innocence. The kind where you feel like you can make plans. Like any little hardships is actually the universe testing you but you’ll make it through and be a great success. Afterwards you realize….there is no reason to anything. Things just happen.”

    I read this entry a few hours ago and this paragraph keeps ringing in my head. This is beautiful, so amazingly well written. Better than many of the entries in my 400-level nonfiction writing class, and wow there were some good writers in there. (I was an English major you know 😉 )

    I’ve been having problems putting my finger on why this has gotten to me so much. I think this is it. I feel like I’m walking a tightrope waiting, waiting to see who it is I lose that makes my world stop spinning. N’s in Indiana right now and I keep having panic attacks just think about him driving home to Kirksville, what could happen to him without me there. Of how out of control my brother has been over this past year and how I love him more than he could ever know. I think I called N at least 7 times last night just to tell him I loved him and to make sure he was still ok.

    This didn’t even happen to me, I didn’t even know her brother, and still I keep thinking that I had a really bad dream and someone will call to say it didn’t really happen. I haven’t felt like this since my parents got divorced.

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