There there baby, its just textbook stuff, its in the ABC of growing up
~Speeding Cars by Imogen Heap
This is the time of year when I normally live in a drunken stupor to ward off deep depression. Not the healthiest thing I know. I’ve changed alot this year and this is not my plan obviously. Nowadays, things don’t really get to me. Sidenote: If you haven’t read Loving What Is by Byron Katie, you should try it before the new year, it’ll change your life. If something does bother me, I don’t let it fester and get me all stressed out, I just have to resolve it or decide its not worth the energy.
Still, I can’t help but feel a little down today. You’d think I could enjoy a vacation. But this doesn’t feel like one. I’m not going anywhere new (or warm)…there isn’t a huge list of things I’ve been putting off and now finally get to do…after the 2nd day I was caught up on my sleep…and I don’t finally get to party with my friends b/c they are all gone elsewhere for break. Josh has definitely been tring to keep me company, which I appreciate, but I can’t expect him to entertain me everyday. Dance, I say! Dance!
So ya…kinda bored. With all this time on my hands, I’ve had the chance to really take stock of things. Its no wonder I am down b/c most of my squares are blacked out- friends, school, finances, to some degree spirit and health (no activities, and I was a little sick this weekend and couldn’t work out until today). Seeing it that way helps keep things in perspective I guess, that I’m not just manic-depressive, but like half the things that make me happy have been gone. (See the diagram I finally put in a couple of posts down)
As I was taking stock in things, I also saw the cracks in some of my relationships. And they are not cracks I can fix until those people let me in. Its just exasperating b/c their pain is so obvious but everyone else doesn’t seem to notice, and I’m left thinking how is it I’m the only one who can see it?! Its not like they are doing a particularly great job of hiding it. Its too late for a couple of them, one removing herself from my life, the other forced to leave town…Funny…thats kinda how I see it going for the other two people. I sincerely hope not but ya, probably. I’ll keep trying to make a difference but ultimately, I know nobody accepts help until they are ready.
Including myself. I remember how different I was this time last year. So scared and confused, no confidence I could do it on my own. Still I mourn some of those aspects. I lost alot of faith. Faith in others, in loyalty, in my church/fellowship, in friendship, in love. I don’t regret anything that happened b/c it allowed me to finally have faith in myself, the one thing I always lacked, but I wish the crossover to adulthood didn’t have to be such a violent process.
I see how far I still need to go. I have major trust issues, some would say rightfully so. But then again, I firmly believe someone’s capacity for trust comes from their ability to handle what happens as a result. I know I could handle whatever, its not like I haven’t before, but still, trust feels like an exercise in putting faith in others, and that is going to be touchy for me for a long time.
I also need to continue with the lifestyle change I’ve started making in terms of diet & exercise. I’ve never done drugs, but I’ve self-medicated with junk food…no exercise…little sleep…not studying. Actually, except for the last bit, sounds like a typical med student, right? I’ve done much better with the latter two and I think my grades this quarter have shown it. From the self abuse though, I learned I could get by with very little effort while I know of some who work hard everday and are still falling behind. Made me realize I could be doing so much better, and that I do have the time for stuff, I don’t have any justification to neglect my body.
Last, I can also see how different things will be next year. I’ll be in Denver on rotations, which I’m sure will be great, but I know I am really going to miss coming to class most days and seeing all my friends. I’m not graduating the same year everybody else is (except Peacock!) so who knows if I’ll ever even see them again. Sometimes I wish I could call mom and ask how she dealt with moving to new places with no friends, leaving great friends behind. She’d probably say you make new friends pretty quick and until then you can call family, which is what I’ll try to do.
So rather than falling into deep depression or a drunken stupor, I am choosing to be a little sad today. I know everything that happened and will happen is OK and that I can handle it, so that is why I will not dwell on the sadness, but I will give it its day. A day dedicated to the loss, the rest of the year lived for the good.
Personal Note: 1 hour circuit training vs last week’s mac & cheese (Neil- OMG!), italian sausage pasta (Josh- OMG!), and at least 5 dreamsicles.